The Tao of Perry
by shadowfire125
Summary: To say that Doofenshmirtz is feeling down would be a rather insulting understatement. Perry doesn't like it at all. Human!Perry AU.


_Could be considered a follow-up to my other two stories, but easily stands alone._

* * *

Perry used the pull of the grappling hook to vault over the low balcony wall, rolling and coming up in a crouch, ready for action.

But the lab was empty.

He straightened up, looking around. The usual whirring machinery and glowing monitors were all shut off, leaving the workspace eerily silent. Perry tread cautiously across the lab, suspecting a trap, but he reached the door without incident. Where was Doofenshmirtz? The evil scientist's apartment was on the floor below, so Perry decided to check there. He didn't bother waiting for the elevator, instead taking the dingy stairwell. When he reached Doofenshmirtz's door, he figured he might as well be polite and knock.

"Go away!" Doofenshmirtz's raspy voice shouted. "Nobody's home!"

Perry rolled his eyes, and, hoping to forgo property damage, pulled out his lock picking kit and began to fiddle with the lock.

"Hey, what're you- Stop that! Who are you?"

Smirking with satisfaction as the lock clicked, Perry pushed the door open. Or at least, he tried to. The door only opened a couple of inches before it was stopped by a chain bolt.

"Ha! What do you think of _that_, Mr. Lock-pick?"

Property damage it was. The door swung inwards with a crack under the force of a well-practiced kick.

Doofenshmirtz was standing in the middle of his living room, holding a wrench at the ready. When he recognized the secret agent, he tossed the tool to the floor with a sigh. "You could have just announced yourself, you know. Now I have to get a new bolt."

"Would ye have let me in?"

"No," Doofenshmirtz admitted grouchily, "but it's the principle of the thing."

Perry stood in the doorway, arms crossed, waiting.

Doofenshmirtz sighed again, looking exhausted. "Since you've invited yourself in, you might as well have some coffee or something before you go. Come on."

Perry followed him to the kitchen, getting a good look at the apartment. It was in complete disarray, with books and blueprints scattered on every flat surface, including the floor. Mechanical parts, tools, Chinese takeout and pizza boxes, and dirty laundry only added to the mess. The doctor himself was similarly disheveled. His brown hair was more unbrushed than usual, and unwashed to boot. He hadn't shaved in a few days, and scruffy stubble lined his jaw and chin. The bags under his eyes were significantly more pronounced, and he probably hadn't changed his clothes in a couple of days either.

The kitchen wasn't much better. There was a teetering jumble of dirty dishes in the sink, and more takeout boxes and an empty tub of ice cream on the counter. Coffee was already in the pot, and Doofenshmirtz got out what seemed to be the last clean mug and filled it, handing it to Perry. Then he poured himself some in an already used mug. He picked up a previously unnoticed bottle and added an unhealthy dose of whiskey to his coffee.

Perry's eyebrows rose. He didn't know Doofenshmirtz drank.

Catching Perry's expression, Doofenshmirtz offered him the bottle. Perry shook his head, and Doofenshmirtz shrugged, leaning back against the counter. "Suit yourself."

The coffee wasn't even lukewarm, and Perry didn't drink it. Doofenshmirtz, on the other hand, drained his mug and dropped it in the sink. Perry got the feeling that the scientist hadn't slept in quite some time.

"No evil plan today," Doofenshmirtz said, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "You might as well go home."

Perry narrowed his eyes. He didn't doubt that there was no scheme, but leaving his nemesis in this state didn't sit right with him. In fact, nothing about this situation sat right with him. Doofenshmirtz wore his heart on his sleeve. It was never hard to figure out what was bothering him, especially because he typically flat-out told Perry what was going on.

But today he was so closed-off, his usually expressive face dourly locked.

Perry wished he had a toolkit for unlocking people.

"Well?" Doofenshmirtz snapped. "I told you, nothing's happening! Go home, take the day off, do whatever it is you do. The door's that way." He turned and stalked from the kitchen, heading for the tangle of blankets on the couch and flopping face-first onto the cushions, pulling a blanket over his head.

Perry yanked it back. "Heinz."

Doofenshmirtz stiffened – Perry had never called him by his first name before. Then he slumped. "What." His voice was muffled by the pillowy couch, but Perry still caught the petulant tone.

"Talk to me."

"No."

"Talk to me or I'll pummel some sense into ye."

Doofenshmirtz smiled mirthlessly into the cushions, but by the time he looked up at Perry, his face was weary and drawn again.

Perry wasn't going anywhere, Doofenshmirtz could see. The agent had a familiar resolute expression on his face that the scientist knew he had no chance of winning against. He let out a growling exhale and scooted up so that Perry could settle himself on the couch.

Heinz folded his hands under his arms, looking away. "Charlene and I had a fight, the biggest one we've had since… well, since the divorce. It started over… visitation, and it sort of devolved. We- we both said some things we shouldn't have." Perry watched as the wall Doofenshmirtz had tried to construct crumbled, and the doctor looked on the verge of tears. He rubbed his eyes in frustration and began to gesture wildly. "What am I even _doing_ with my life? Taking over the Tri-State Area? That's rich. I can't even control my own issues, let alone control an entire group of people! And it's not like I even have a shot at succeeding. Even when my machines work, they're just so… _stupid_. Or petty. And they backfire so easily! I just…" He trailed off, hugging himself.

Perry felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under him. Who was this person and what had he done with the real Heinz Doofenshmirtz? Perry was so used to the older man just bouncing back. He rather admired the sheer determination that drove Heinz to build his inators again and again and again. There was no doubt in Perry's mind that his nemesis was a genius. A genius in his own special, rather – no, _incredibly_ – strange way. Perry wouldn't have it otherwise. Of all the people the agent had ever met, Heinz was possibly the most interesting.

He wished he knew how to tell Doofenshmirtz that.

There _must_ be something else. What suddenly brought this mood on? Had the fight really been that bad?

"There's something yer nae telling me."

Heinz looked like he was trying to become part of the couch. "There isn't," he mumbled, unable to meet Perry's gaze.

No, Perry didn't like this one bit. He tapped on Heinz's knee, trying to get his nemesis' attention, but Doofenshmirtz stubbornly kept his face turned away.

"Look at me."

"No."

Okay, that was it. Perry leaned forward and grabbed Heinz by the chin, forcing the scientist to face him, and Heinz finally dragged his eyes up to meet Perry's. After a moment, his shoulders sagged. "Why do you have to be so…" He waved vaguely in Perry's direction, trying to sum up the agent somehow. "…you," he finished lamely.

Perry smiled slightly and let go of Doofenshmirtz's face. "Will ye tell me what's _actually_ botherin' ye now?"

Heinz tugged one of the blankets around himself, and Perry waited patiently. Finally, Doofenshmirtz said, "Vanessa was visiting over the weekend. I was working on something, and she was in the lab with me. But the machine… well, it exploded. She got hurt."

Perry's blood ran cold.

"Not, not too badly," Heinz added hastily. "Just a little bruised. But… enough to scare Charlene. It scared me, too, even though Vanessa actually kind of stood up for me during the argument." He paused, swallowing. "Charlene wants to take away my visitation rights."

Perry felt his chest tighten. He knew that Vanessa meant the world to Heinz. If she got taken away from him… it would break him.

Heinz turned to Perry desperately. "The worst part is I think she might be right. Every time Vanessa comes over, am I putting her in danger? What if something backfires and it's worse than a couple of bruises? Can I trust myself to keep her safe?"

Perry made to reach out to Heinz but pulled back, unsure of himself.

Heinz wiped his eyes and nose on the blanket. "I can't- I can't lose her. Not to Charlene or to my ineptitude." His voice cracked. "I don't know what to do."

Perry ruminated on this. Perhaps it was a bit selfish, but he didn't want Heinz to stop inventing, to stop trying to take over the Tri-State Area. Thwarting Doofenshmirtz was always the highlight of his day, and Heinz seemed to genuinely enjoy it as well. "Maybe…" he said, "ye could do what Vanessa wants ta do. When she's over. Ye d'nae _have_ ta have a scheme on those weekends."

"I- I'm no good at that," Heinz replied, looking away. "I've tried, and I always screw it up somehow. I'm just kind of an all-around failure when it comes to being a dad. I guess I'm an all-around failure when it comes to being anything."

Now _that_ Perry wouldn't stand for. He was on his feet in a split second. "Yer _nae_ a failure."

"That's interesting, because all the evidence seems to be saying otherwise."

There was very little that could make Perry truly angry, but this made him boil with fury. "Get up," he said through gritted teeth. "Ri' now. Get dressed. We're goin' fer a walk."

"No," Doofenshmirtz said crossly, curling up with his back to Perry.

Perry grabbed him by the arm. "That's nae one of yer options."

Heinz struggled with him, but Perry was tougher, stronger and hadn't been living on caffeine, alcohol, and chow mein for the past three days. He dragged Heinz to his feet. "Ye will take a shower and put clean clothes on," Perry growled. "Or so help me _I will do it for ye_."

Heinz went white as a sheet at Perry's expression. There was actual rage in the agent's eyes, and for a moment Doofenshmirtz was terrified of his nemesis as he never had been. He nodded wordlessly and skittered away. As Heinz showered as quickly as he could, Perry gathered fresh clothing and hung them on the towel rack. A few minutes later, the scientist emerged squeaky clean, nervous jitters temporarily slowing his downward spiral into self-loathing. Perry marched him from the apartment and all but shoved him into the elevator. They rode the cab down in silence – Perry silently fuming and Heinz anxiously shuffling, tossing occasional uneasy glances at the shorter man.

As they crossed the lobby, Heinz got the feeling that were Perry bigger, he would be dragging the scientist around by the scruff of his neck. Being as it was, Perry could only give him the occasional push or prod to make him keep walking or pick up the pace.

Neither of them said anything as they moved along the twilit streets, ignoring the few other pedestrians. Streetlights were beginning to flicker on as dusk gave way to dark. They reached the park and followed one of the paths until they reached a grassy hill out of sight of the nearest street. "Sit," said Perry in a tone that couldn't be disobeyed.

Heinz sat.

Perry stood over him, arms crossed. It was too dark now to really see properly, and the agent was silhouetted in a mixture of the yellow city glow and the pale silvery light of the moon that was just beginning to rise. "Listen," he said.

Heinz waited for him to continue, but nothing came. "Listen to what?"

Perry gestured to their surroundings. "What do ye hear?"

"Wait, are- are you gonna pull some kind of Zen crap on me? Really? That's why you brought me here? Come on-"

Suddenly Perry's nose was inches away from his, and Heinz could see the faint outlines of Perry's expression. It was not the kind of expression that tolerated argument. Heinz scrambled backwards. "Alright, alright! Jeez…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Nearby, there were crickets in the grass, and a few calls of birds either settling in for the night or waking up. Further away were the sounds of the city, the faint roar of traffic like distant rapids. Sirens, a motorcycle, trucks downshifting on the highway. A car went by with music booming from its speakers so that the bass was more felt than heard. A small group of drunken college students straggled by. "Just… stuff. City stuff."

Perry sat down beside him. "Now look up."

Heinz tilted his head back. The stars were just beginning to come out. They were easier to see out in the park, but many of them were still blocked by light pollution.

"Thae universe is huge, more than any of us kin imagine. It's like a beach, and we're jest a grain of sand. Then on that grain, seven billion people an' counting. They've each got their own lives and problems. In the grand scheme of things, ye and I are nothin'. We're inconsequential. Tiny."

"Wow," said Doofenshmirtz. "I'm just brimming with self-confidence now."

"Shet oop," Perry snapped. "I'm nae done. The grand scheme of things kin go fook itself."

Heinz's eyebrows shot up.

"So what if we're tiny? Lookit me, I barely push five 'n a half feet. It _does nae matter_ how big we are. What matters is our own lives, and the lives of the people we love. In that, we are anything but inconsequential. Ye may nae think highly of yerself, but I think highly of ye. I _know_ ye, Heinz, an' I know yer nae a failure. Yer anything but."

Heinz looked away, his forehead wrinkling. Perry laid his hand gently on the doctor's shoulder. "Yer nae perfect. Nobody is. We've all got our flaws and faults. She does nae often show it, but yer daughter loves ye. Ye might nae exactly be the ideal da, but ye try yer damnedest, and she knows it. There's a lot ye kin do to make sure Vanessa does nae get caught in one a yer messes, and ye kin work it out with Charlene. She just had a nasty scare. Ye all did. Ye kin work it out."

Heinz was staring at Perry now. He'd never heard the agent talk nearly a third this much at one time, and he doubted he ever would again. Yet he felt profoundly reassured that Perry believed in him, and just a tiny bit honored. Finally, he managed to say, "You're a deep well, Perry the Platypus."

Perry smiled and stood, offering his hand. Heinz took it, and Perry pulled him to his feet. They began the walk back to Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

After a moment, Heinz said, "Hey, you _did_ go all Zen on me! You're a secret Zen master, aren't you?"

"I am nae," said Perry indignantly.

Heinz grinned evilly. "You are! Part of your secret agent training was with monks in the… the Himalayas or Tibet or something. Wherever it is you find Zen monks. It totally was, admit it."

Perry shook his head in amusement.

"Do you know kung fu? I bet you know kung fu. You learned it from the monks. On the mountaintop. While you were taking a break from Zen. Oh man, did you have to do yoga? I hate yoga…"

Heinz's voice slowly faded into the distance as they left the park together, and the hill was quiet once more, cool grass rustling in the faint breeze. It was as if they had never been there.

The world turned onwards.


End file.
